Upon getting married almost a decade ago, my wife and I were determined to go have a white picket fence, a dog, and kids and then become the next June and Ward Clever. After a dose of reality and a few months of repeated “involved” discussions on whether the toilet seat should be left up or down at night, whether the thermostat should be at 72 or 76 degrees, and many other heated battles, we knew we were in over our head. I reluctantly tagged along with my wife to a marriage counselor on a weekly basis for a few months. My reluctant analytical mind reasoned that sitting through the boring counseling sessions was cheaper than a divorce.

 

The funny thing is that what I learned in those counseling sessions not only saved my marriage, but it also has equipped me for the everyday challenges that I would face at work for years to come. It turns out that although there are many obvious differences between a coworker and your spouse, there are some striking similarities too. Here are some lessons that I was taught that have also applied to situations where I did not see eye to eye with a coworker: 

 

On so many occasions when we disagree with someone we come to the table with only our point of view in mind. We often have the mindset that the other person must be clueless so the sooner we can explain why they are wrong the quicker they will be enlightened and the argument will be over. The problem is that with both sides thinking the other is clueless, the meeting is setup for failure before it begins. I am convinced that some people treat being in a devil’s advocate role as a sport at meetings and almost try to keep score of how many times they win a point. Don’t let that be you.

 

In plain terms you want to clearly tell the other party that you understand them. Then take it an extra step by actually listening to them and digesting their point of view. Let’s say Jane is at a meeting and is clearly upset with you. She lashes out at you tells you how bad of a situation you put her in for missing a deadline that you promised her your team would hit. Many people’s first gut reaction is to shift the blame or get defensive with their response. A huge change in attitude from a foe generally happens from someone like Jane if your response back starts with, “Jane I am really sorry to hear about this issue. I understand why you are frustrated, I really do. Here is where we are at with it now and how I am going to help you…”. You can decide if it is appropriate to apologize as that was not the subtle point here. The real key is to say, “I understand” and do not be afraid to say it a few times for emphasis if needed.

 

We’re all human. No work and no play makes any IT guy a dull boy. Don’t be afraid to take that temporary foe out to lunch, pop in with some fresh donuts, or go over the top on a request to see how it just might be the tipping point on turning that relationship around.

 

Before being counseled, my wife and I would yell our points back and forth over and over in a heated discussion. An hour later we were both had tallied up saying the same 2-3 points probably over twenty times. To make matters worse we usually argued the same points from the argument we had the night before. What we both learned is that if we really wanted the other person to consider our point of view, one of us needed to take the first step to listen to the other. Are you doing this with your heated discussions with coworkers? Are you willing to be the listener role first so that you will have your turn to be heard?

 

At the beginning of our marriage sessions we were forbidden to use the word “but”. What the counselor pointed out as she caught us using the word a lot, was that we were negating the initial thought we had. As an example if I said, “Yes it was nice for you to make dinner, but you did not finish the laundry today”, all that my wife would get from that sentence is that I cut her down about not doing the laundry. I missed an opportunity to thank her for a wonderful dinner. This can happen at work a lot especially when you have issues with someone. No matter what they do or say you unconsciously might be adding a cut down at the end. So if you take tip  #2 above that says to validate the other person, you don’t want to ruin it by saying something like, “I hear you, I really do, but I tried to tell you this project was risky over a month ago.”

 

As the saying goes, don’t sweat the small stuff, and its all small stuff. I’m not sure if its valid to say its all small stuff in the IT world, but I do believe most heated battles are not over what really matters. In general most people that are digging their heals in truly believe that their idea betters the company. If you can both start with the premise that you both want whats best for the company, then you at least have a starting point in which to agree on. In many situations there are numerous solutions to a problem. Ask yourself what are the real consequences of giving in on this argument. If you reason that the stakes are high, then by all means stick to your guns. But if its a it’s a “you say pot-AY-to, I say pot-AH-to” situation then ease off on this one.

 

This works for some people better than others. The more serious the subject, the more delicate this can be, but generally even on serious topics you can find a way to bring down the intensity level by injecting a little bit of humor. When you play this card right it lowers everyone’s blood pressure almost immediately. My favorite tactic is to inject humor that slightly makes fun of myself or IT and yet still shows empathy for the situation. Just be careful not to become known as the IT jokester who can never take anything seriously.